


Resolved

by ineverproofread



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: C/7 exists but I changed it, F/M, Fix-It, Post-Canon Fix-It, Post-Endgame, Post-Episode: s07e25 Endgame (Star Trek: Voyager), Post-Season/Series 07 Finale, fluff?, no Seven hating here, two idiots in love but stuff is in the way
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-23
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:06:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27676477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ineverproofread/pseuds/ineverproofread
Summary: After returning from their seven year voyage, Kathryn Janeway must face the past and choose whether or not to pursue the future waiting for her on the other side.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 20
Kudos: 69





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> No characters are mine. All rights go to their respective owners. I have no claim to them and if I did the "official" ending would have way different...

The bridge fell silent for a moment after the captain ended the Admiral’s comm. No one had fully expected this plan to work. After all, they’d had far more logical plans fall through over the years and traveling through a Borg transwarp hub had never crossed anyone’s mind. Finally, Kathryn took a seat in her chair.

“All hands, this is the Captain. Let me be the first to say, welcome home! I know we’re all very anxious to talk to our loved ones again; but, let’s keep quiet until we’ve gotten clearance from Command. Memo’s will be sent out soon with more information. Congratulations!” Kathryn sighed and ran a hand through her hair, “Commander, I’m going to start dealing with Command and find out what we need to do for clearance. You have the Bridge.”

Chakotay nodded, half hearing what she had said through the shock of the moment. He turned when he felt Seven’s gentle touch on his arm.

“Commander, if I could have a word with you for a moment? I believe I have a few things of importance to discuss with you in regards to our return, things which need to be disclosed rather soon.” she said quietly, her eyes following Captain Janeway to her ready room. 

“Alright, I’ll meet you in Astrometrics in a few minutes.” he replied. He wondered what she could have to tell him that was so important. She was probably just concerned about their sudden return home and needed advice. He had volunteered himself as a mentor and a practice dating partner after the Doctor had come to him with concern about Seven’s endeavor to rediscover more of her humanity. Their return would definitely expedite that process.

Chakotay walked to the engineering stations, taking a cursory glance at the damage Voyager had taken through the Hub. They were going to need some major repairs or some towing assistance to make it back to Utopia Planitia.

“Harry, can you start some repair crews on the most vital ship functions? I’d like to get home relatively soon and we aren’t in any shape to do that right now.” Chakotay said, turning to the ensign.

Harry nodded and began to type away at his console. Satisfied that the only emergent issues were dealt with, Chakotay looked at Tuvok, “You have the Bridge.” he said and walked to the turbolift.

Lost in thought, Chakotay suddenly found himself at the doors of Astrometrics. He found Seven alone, searching through files on a console. Once he had entered, she called for a privacy lock.

“Seven? What’s wrong? What are you doing?” he asked. This definitely seemed like something more than nervousness about returning to Earth.

“Commander, I believe I possess private information regarding the personal affairs of one of the members of the crew and I do not know how to proceed because I never should have had access to it in the first place. I chose to speak to you because it directly concerns you and I cannot go to the person directly right now. Additionally, the Admiral raised some concerns regarding this situation which I am not sure how to deal with and I am beginning to feel rather overwhelmed.” she said, concern filling her voice.

Yes, this was definitely more than homecoming nerves, “Okay Seven, slow down. What situation are you referring to and how does it involve me?” 

Seven turned back to the console and pulled up a report from two years into their journey. “When I was still part of the Borg, I hacked into the systems on the ship, do you remember that?” At his cautious nod, she continued. “You all stopped me; however, I still remember much of the information I had assimilated. I realized quite a while ago that some of the data I accessed were personal logs of various crewmembers. Most of it is superfluous information about a planet you visited or shore leave. However, I also accessed one of the Captain’s logs… from after your return from your quarantine on the planet.”

“Seven, I’m still not sure how this involves me and, if it does, it might not be a good idea for you to tell me what was said. It wouldn’t be appropriate to share the Captain’s personal log entry.” he said. 

“I understand your concern; however, the Admiral’s visit made me aware that there may be a gross misunderstanding within the crew. She was under the impression that we were in a relationship and she claimed that in her timeline, the two of us were married. I fear she may have shared that information with the Captain, which is why this log is of such importance. Commander, I have sufficient evidence to conclude that the Captain is in love with you and I do not wish the Admiral’s deception to hurt her.”

Chakotay felt as though he had been hit by a shuttle at warp. What did she mean the Captain was in love with him? She must have misunderstood something she read. Even if she hadn’t, there was no way Kathryn still felt that way. “I-, I think you must have misunderstood something. I don’t think the Captain is harboring any ‘secret’ feelings for me. We are very good friends and we work well as a command team.” he said after he found his voice.

Seven rolled her eyes, “I did not ‘misunderstand’ anything, Commander. The Captain clearly states: _I wish I could have told him I felt the same. I wish I could have said more, done more, than simply sit across a table and take his hand. I wish I could have told him that he had given me the same peace I gave him._ I can play the recording if you like. I have it loaded on the console.”

“Don’t Seven.” he said with a little more force than was necessary. “That was almost five years ago. Even if she did have feelings for me then, a lot of time has passed. People change. Feelings change. There’s no reason to think she still feels that way.”

“What do you mean? The Doctor says that people try to spend lots of free time together when they have feelings for each other. Do you and the Captain not have dinners together? Additionally, I was under the impression that she invited you to share her time on the Holodeck quite often? And besides, the physiological signs are all there: elevated heart rate, body temperature, and respiration rates. No one else responds that way in your presence. What have I misunderstood?”

Chakotay laughed, shaking his head. “Seven, you make her sound like a teenager with a crush. I can assure you the Captain is not that.”

“I did not say the signs were always there. For example, when you are both working on the Bridge, I have not typically noticed anything abnormal. However, last month when we attended the flower festival on Tremalus Prime, I noticed all of those reactions when you gifted her one of the flowers.” Seven’s voice filled with irritation. “Commander, I do not understand the problem. Your reactions are the same as hers. I assume I do not need to inform you of your own feelings towards the Captain?” 

Sighing, Chakotay conceded. “Alright Seven, alright. I believe you. But please, don’t mention this to anyone, especially the Doctor. I’ll handle this in my own time, but it won’t be right now. I will, however, speak to her about what the Admiral said. I agree, I don’t want her bothered by that either.”

He turned to go and then stopped. “And Seven? Thank you for coming to me about this. I hope you know I’m still happy to help you with any questions you have about acclimating to the Alpha Quadrant.”

With that, Chakotay made his way to the turbolift. He needed to clear the air with Kathryn regarding the Admiral and he knew it wasn’t going to be a comfortable conversation for either one of them, especially if Seven’s suspicions were true. He rang the chime at the door of her Ready Room and walked in.

“Hello Chakotay!” Kathryn said with a smile. 

He noticed that, though she seemed happy, her patience with the long list of admirals she was dealing with was wearing thin. “How are you doing? Many more admirals to deal with today?” he asked as he called for a black coffee at the replicator.

She smiled and gratefully accepted the mug he offered. “Thank you. No, I pushed the rest of them off until tomorrow. Harry said repairs will take about two days and it’s another two to Utopia Planitia so I have time still. They’ve cleared the crew for moderated contact with their families and given me a list a mile long of forbidden topics. I need to send that out to the crew and clear the ship for outside communications again.” Resting her head in her hands, Kathryn let out a sigh. “I think most of the difficult decisions were made after they learned we were alive and I’ve already been told that the former Maquis members have been cleared. The decisions regarding your provisional ranks are still to be completed and they want more crew reports from the two of us on performances before they decide.”

“Kathryn, take a breath!” Chakotay chuckled. “I’m sure everything will be handled in time, although I must admit it’s nice to know we’re in the clear. For now, we just need to handle our business on the ship and things will fall into place. Speaking of crew duties, I need to complete one of mine- Have you eaten today?” Kathryn rolled her eyes. “Nevermind, I know the answer to that question. Meet me in my quarters for dinner, around 8?”

Kathryn hesitated for a moment, she really should start working on those crew reports. Submitting 140-something reports was a tall task to complete in four days; but, the look in Chakotay’s eyes told her “No” wasn’t going to fly. “Alright. I’ll see you at 8.”

The next hour passed without any incident, something which hadn’t happened in the past few days. Kathryn finished as many reports as she could before names and dates began to blur in her mind. She decided to retire to her quarters and comm her mother. Starfleet would have already informed her of their unexpected return, but Gretchen Janeway understood the chaos that came with captaining a starship and would let her daughter comm her when she had the chance. Kathryn grabbed a quick shower before calling her mom.

“Katie!” Gretchen Janeway exclaimed with tears in her eyes. “I can’t believe you’re home. How are you? Where are you? When can I see you? I’m sorry, I have so many questions! I just can’t believe you're actually home.”

Kathryn felt a tear slip down her cheeks. “Hi Mom! I’m okay but I can’t disclose where we are. Starfleet gave us a very comprehensive list of things we can’t talk about which includes pretty much anything under any solar system’s suns. I really can’t believe we’re home either. It all feels like a dream…”

“I can almost promise you it’s not a dream. I’ll be happy to pinch you when I see you just to make sure.” the older woman said with a laugh. “Phoebe is still in shock. I called her in a panic earlier because Starfleet wouldn’t tell me anything. I got this ominous call to come to Headquarters to discuss a recent development and, next thing I know, I’ve been put up in Starfleet accommodations so I can contact you.”

“Did they tell you how long they want you to stay in San Francisco?” Kathryn asked.

“They said maybe around three weeks… Why? Is that how long you think you’ll be ‘indisposed’?”

Kathryn sighed, “Mom, I couldn’t tell you that, even if I knew.” She looked down at her clock and noticed the time. “Oh Mom, I’ve got to go. I’m supposed to be meeting Ch-, I mean I’m supposed to be having dinner at 8. I’ll comm you again when I have more information, I promise. Love you!”

With that the screen went dark. She knew her mother would be curious as to why she was being secretive about who she was meeting for dinner; however, she didn’t think Starfleet would be very comfortable with the captain having a private dinner with her first officer. Especially after she had spent the better part of the afternoon ensuring various admirals that she had kept to protocol as much as possible in a less than hospitable quadrant. Kathryn walked down the hall and hit the chime at Chakotay’s door. The halls were surprisingly empty for this time of night, but she assumed most of the crew were celebrating in the Mess Hall or Holodecks.

* * *

Chakotay breathed a sigh of relief when he saw Kathryn walk through the door in casual clothes. After the way he had dodged her past two dinner invitations, he wasn’t sure she would come as ‘Kathryn’ instead of the Captain. He already had dinner laid out and he noticed her eyes fall on the pink roses he had set in a vase on the table. Hearing her breath catch slightly, their eyes locked, neither missing the significance of the flowers. 

That day still haunted his dreams. Kneeling on a desolate planet, lighting and thunder crashing around him as he fought to keep her alive. Sailing on Lake George that night, watching her in the moonlight, was the closest he had come to crossing parameters and telling her how he felt without the guise of any legends. He wanted to take her in his arms and tell her how much she meant to him. What it would have done to him if she had died. He wanted to tell her that begging, pleading, for her to keep fighting, to stay with him, had torn a whole in his heart that could never be healed. He didn’t though. He couldn’t. 

“Chakotay, it looks delicious.” Kathryn said, choosing not to acknowledge the flowers directly. 

He tugged his earlobe awkwardly. “Thanks. Hopefully we’ll only have a few more replicated meals before we get back home. I’ve been afraid to brave Chell’s cooking after the last attempt.”

They both laughed at the memory of the leola root concoction he had created earlier in the week. Whatever awkwardness or nerves that had existed at the start of the night quickly vanished as they ate. Their normal banter returned, though Kathryn always carefully avoided flirting with him as she used to. Once they had finished dinner, Chakotay collected a tea and coffee from the replicator and took a seat on the couch.

“Kathryn, there’s something I think I need to tell you.” he said as he handed her the coffee.

She smiled gently, “Chakotay, I already know. The Admiral told me, and I’m happy for you. You both deserve to be happy.” Suddenly she seemed to be very interested in studying the rim of her mug.

Setting his tea down, Chakotay turned to fully face her. “Kathryn, I know what the Admiral told you; but it’s not true. I’m not seeing Seven, I’m not in love with Seven, and I certainly don’t have any plans of marrying Seven."

“How did you-” she began before he cut her off.

“She came to me today, after we left the transwarp hub. Apparently, the Admiral used the same story with her to convince her that using the hub was a good idea. I don’t know if it was true in her timeline, but I can promise it’s not true in ours.” Chakotay explained, taking her hands gently in his.

Kathryn withdrew her hands, wringing them together. “I’m sorry. I should have asked you if there was any truth in it. I had noticed you had been spending more time together and simply assumed. But why would Seven come to you about it? Why not come to me herself?”

Chakotay thought for a moment. This discussion had to wait. If anyone knew Seven had access to personal reports, Starfleet might take issue with it. And it wasn't as though he would be able to go back to the way things were with her after he told her the true of how he felt. “Kathryn," he sighed, "I don’t think we can continue this conversation right now… Years ago I wrapped the truth in an ancient legend. I won't do that now, but...” Understanding flashed across her face and she stiffened beside him. “I’m sorry. I won’t put you in a difficult situation during the debriefings. We both know we’re going to be under a lot of scrutiny regarding some specific events. But, Kathryn,” she turned and met his eyes, “I want to finish this.”

“Thank you. For everything.” she whispered, placing her hand gently on his shoulder. Kathryn stood and placed her mug in the recycler. “I should probably be going. We’re expected for a joint meeting at 0900 to discuss debriefing schedules.”

And with that she was gone. Chakotay sat on the couch for a while, his head in his hands. She knew. He had all but confessed the truth, but she wasn’t going to admit anything. He was going to have to give her time, but he would wait forever.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long to write! The week leading up to finals was living hell but graduation is coming soon so posting should be more consistent. Thanks for all of your kind words on the first chapter and feel free to check out the one-shot I wrote that kind of accompanies this story.

Kathryn found her feet carrying past her quarters on an aimless walk around the ship after leaving dinner. As she walked, she thought about the significant events that had surrounded each place. The science lab where she had spent countless hours studying the various phenomena encountered on alien planets. The aeroponics bay where Kes had grown food and grown the people around her. 

Finally she found herself outside of Medbay. She had yet to see B’Elanna or the baby, assuming they would want some privacy on their first day as a family. But now that it was late she thought there might not be any harm in sneaking a quick peek at the baby. She entered the dimly lit room and quietly made her way over to the medical bassinet. Swaddled in a light pink blanket, Kathryn found the tiny quarter-Klingon sleeping peacefully. 

Kathryn felt a hand at her elbow and turned to see a beaming Tom Paris standing behind her.

“Don’t worry Captain. The Doc erected some sort of sound dampening field so we won’t wake them. It’s she just the most perfect thing you’ve ever seen?” Tom said, his voice swelling with pride.

“She certainly is. Congratulations, Tom.” Kathryn said with a squeeze of his arm.

“Miral Paris. I can’t believe I’m a dad. I can’t believe we’re home!” he smiled and then rubbed the back of his neck nervously, “Captain, do you know if Starfleet has made any decisions regarding, well, you know…"

“Not to worry Tom. Your sentence has long been over and Starfleet has already cleared the former Maquis. There’s some specifics yet to be sorted; but, neither of you are in any danger.”

Tom let out a sigh, “I feel like I’ve been holding my breath ever since we got home. I’ll let B’Elanna know in the morning. And don’t worry, I’m keeping her in the dark about the state of ‘her’ engine for now.”

“That’s probably for the best. Otherwise she’d be back in engineering at 0800.” Kathryn turned towards the door, “Tom, I just want to thank you for all that you’ve done on this mission. Your fancy flying has gotten us out of more scrapes than I can count.”

Tom watched the doors slide closed behind his Captain. He’d meant what he said to Harry, B’Elanna and Miral were his home; but, he was certainly back to be back in the Alpha Quadrant nonetheless.

* * *

Kathryn eventually made her way back to her quarters. She sent a quick message to Phoebe to let her know all was well and then fell into the most peaceful sleep she had had since leaving New Earth.

Morning came much too soon for the captain. She quickly grabbed a cup of coffee and pulled up the reports that had come in overnight. Thankfully, repairs seemed to be progressing without any problems. Being able to request supplies from the ship stationed with them was certainly helping. Kathryn also noticed that Chakotay had completed a significant number of crew reports after she left last night.

Last night. She was trying not to think about last night. There wasn’t time to think about what was said, about what was meant. It should have been easy. Over the past seven years she had trained herself to suppress what she felt. To take comfort in the stolen moments the two of them could share in the limbo between friends and lovers. Why was it so difficult to do that now? Kathryn let out an audible groan of frustration. The foreseeable future was getting more and more confusing.

She checked the clock, only an hour until their meeting with Command. 

“Janeway to Chakotay.” she called out, pressing her comm badge.

“Chakotay here Captain,” he responded.

“Can you meet with me in a few minutes to go over what we need to cover with Starfleet? I have a scheduling suggestion you might like, but I’m going to need your support to have any hope of convincing the higher ups.”

“You always have my support Kathryn.” he said quietly. Clearly last night was on both of their minds this morning.

“Yes… Well, if you wouldn’t mind, I’d still like to get together before the call.” she said, trying to conceal how flustered she felt.

With that, Kathryn quickly ended the comm. Why had this suddenly become so difficult? Ever since New Earth they had mastered the dance between friends and something more; yet, as soon as they returned home, they both seemed to forget the moves. Kathryn let out a frustrated sigh, she had to get whatever this was under control. They weren't going to get anything done efficiently with as awkward as things were this morning, and she certainly wasn't helping by acting like a first year cadet with a crush. Putting the matter out of mind, she quickly got ready and made her way to the meeting room. 

Chakotay was walking away from the replicator when she arrived, two mugs in hand. “Good morning,” he said with a smile as he handed her one of the mugs.

“Thank you, although I think I should be the one offering this to you. I can’t imagine you got any sleep last night considering the number of reviews you completed!” she teased before taking a sip of the steaming drink.

Tugging at his ear, he shrugged, “I couldn’t get to sleep. Too much excitement from getting home I guess. Might as well get some work done to pass the time.”

The two sat in silence for a moment, tension lacing the air between them. In an attempt to break the awkwardness, Kathryn spoke, “Well, I was going to suggest a modified schedule to the administration this morning. Their projections suggest that the full debriefings could take up to three months. I’m not willing to tell our crew that, even though they’re home, they have to wait another three months. There’s no reason for the debriefings to be held all at once. They have all of our official logs since earlier this month and I had our most recent reports submitted yesterday for them to review.” Kathryn paused for a moment, trying to gauge his reaction. Seeing that he didn’t seem to have any problems with it, she continued, “I want to suggest that we meet for two weeks once we get to Earth. That should be enough time to create a list of confidential topics so the crew knows what can or can’t be talked about. After that, we can take our leave and return at the end to finish whatever they determine still needs to be discussed.”

Chakotay smiled, “That sounds like a perfectly reasonable idea to me. I certainly wasn’t looking forward to three months of meetings before getting to see my sister again.”

The screen in front of them came to life as the time for the meeting arrived. Much to her surprise, Starfleet had no objects with her proposal. In fact, they saw the shorter time period as an opportunity to create even more press surrounding the return of Starfleet’s ‘golden girl’ and her miracle crew. While the concept of a media circus was less than appealing to either of the command duo, they knew it was going to be an inevitability in the near future.

* * *

The next few days passed with little incident. Kathryn tried to spend as much time as she could with Naomi Wildman. The sudden return to a ‘home’ she had never known had proven to be difficult for the young girl.

“Captain Janeway,” she asked on their last night before docking, “what is the Alpha Quadrant like? Mommy always tells me stories about where she used to go when she was my age but it seems so boring in comparison to Voyager. I wish we could just stay here forever.”

Kathryn laughed, gently kneeling down in front of the child, “I can understand why you feel that way. But I promise you, you’re going to love life in the Alpha Quadrant just as much as on Voyager. Maybe even more!” Naomi didn’t look convinced. “When I was your age, I loved living in the country with my family and playing with my friends. And now, you’ll get to take classes with other children your own age.”

Naomi scrunched her nose up and the thought of school and Kathryn laughed, pulling her into a hug. “Don’t worry Naomi. I promise, you’ll ‘adapt’ as Seven says. And if you don’t like it, you and I can run away back to the Delta Quadrant. What do you say?”

The little girl smiled and nodded, still not entirely convinced. Suddenly, her face lit up. “Commander Chakotay! Did you like growing up in the Alpha Quadrant? Me and Captain Janeway are going to run away back to the Delta Quadrant if things aren’t fun here.”

“You are?” he said with a teasing look in his eye. “I think your mothers are going to have some things to say about that young ladies.”

Kathryn laughed, standing to join the pair by the door. Chakotay knelt down in front of Naomi in much the same way Kathryn had and continued, “Naomi, I know you’re going to like the Alpha Quadrant. It might be a little slower than life used to be; but, I know you’re going to make lots of friends. I’ll even come visit and show you some of my favorite places on Earth, how about that?”

That seemed to satisfy the girl. “All right!” she said happily before running off down the hall.

Chakotay stood and turned toward Kathryn. “Concerned about our youngest crewmate?” he asked.

“A little,” she confessed. “This is a big change for all of us, but it’s an even bigger change for her. Her whole life had been in the Delta Quadrant and now she’s lost Neelix and been thrown halfway across the galaxy in a span of only a month. I just want to make sure she doesn’t get lost in the chaos of everything going on, especially today.”

He nodded understandingly, “Are you finished packing? I’d be happy to help if you need it.”

Kathryn smiled, placing a hand on his chest. “Thank you Chakotay but I’m almost done. I need to put away a couple more things and look at the last few reports but then I’ll be done. Why don’t you go check on B’Elanna for me? I haven’t had the chance to stop by their quarters today and I’m sure they could use some help packing with a newborn.”

That was probably a good idea, he thought. He hadn’t had the chance to speak with Tom or B’Elanna alone since Miral’s birth. It seemed every member of the crew wanted a chance to see the newest addition. He quickly made his way to their quarters and rang the bell.

* * *

You'd never want to deal with an angry Klingon; but, it’s even worse when the anger is directed at you, which was the dilemma that Chakotay immediately found himself in upon entering the Paris quarters.

“You’re a real p'takh you know that?” B’Elanna fumed.

Chakotay stopped for a moment, speechless, “B’Elanna what’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong?” she sputtered, “What’s _wrong_?! I don’t know. Maybe the fact that you’re seeing a half-cyborg with the emotional development of a child! You know, you’ve done a hell of a lot of stupid things over the years Chakotay, but this is by far the stupidest.”

Tom risked sticking his head out of the bedroom at the sound of his wife’s yelling. “B’Elanna, maybe now isn’t the best time. Don’t get me wrong. He’s an absolute idiot, but we have a lot of packing still to do before tomorrow morning and only a few hours until Miral wakes up again.”

Rubbing his hands over his face, Chakotay sighed. “Let me guess, the Admiral told you too?”

“The Admiral?” she asked indignantly. “No, half the crew is talking about it. The two of you weren’t very subtle when you snuck off together after we got home.”

“Come on B’Elanna, you know better than to put any weight into crew gossip,” Chakotay said, trying to smooth things over.

B’Elanna laughed, “Sure, but the transporter logs Harry saw when he was doing maintenance back in the Alpha Quadrant certainly seemed to support those rumors.” 

He took a seat on the couch and held his hand up in surrender, “Okay, okay. I see where you’re coming from; but, the rumors aren’t true. I offered to mentor Seven and help her practice her dating skills since she has been trying to reconnect with her humanity. But I only offered as a friend. We met after getting home because she was anxious about our return and she was concerned that the Admiral had lied to the Captain about our relationship. Nothing is going on between us… At this rate, maybe I should just send out a ship-wide memo so I can stop having this conversation.”

B’Elanna was struck speechless for a moment. “Maybe ‘emotional development of a child’ was a bit harsh,” B’Elanna said with a shake of her head. “She knows enough about the way you both feel to try and fix the mistake the Admiral made. Although anyone with eyes should have been able to see that after the past seven years… This doesn’t change the fact that you’re an absolute idiot though.”

Chakotay laughed ruefully as he looked between Tom and B’Elanna, “I know, I know. As for ‘how we both feel’ you're going to have to explain that.”

Moving to sit across from him, B’Elanna gently spoke. “Chakotay, don’t play dumb. I think most of us could see the way you felt about the Captain. You tend to wear your heart on your sleeve, ya know.” She paused for a moment, “It was harder to tell with her. I don’t think most of the crew knows, but Tom and I pieced it together a few years ago. There’s no denying she’s better at concealing her emotions, but the signs were all there.”

“So I’ve been told…” he replied, tugging on his earlobe nervously.

She shot him a puzzled look but decided not to press, “Don’t worry, it’s not like we’re going to tell anyone. But you should probably talk to her.”

If only it were as simple as just talking to her. He had tried just talking to her but until they were cleared by Starfleet she wasn’t going to say anything.

“I know, B’Elanna. I have, but it’s not as straightforward as you think it is. There weren’t any issues with you and Tom because you’re the same rank and, technically, neither of you are Starfleet. Kathryn doesn’t have that luxury. Well, she doesn’t think she has it. I can’t believe Starfleet would expect her to remain alone for the entirety of a seventy year trip...” Chakotay caught himself, “It would probably be best if we didn’t talk about this. I appreciate your discretion about this, both of you.”

“Of course,” B’Elanna said, squeezing his hand reassuringly. “Now, what actually brought you here?”

He laughed, “Well I was trying to come and help you pack so you could get some rest. That, and I wanted to come see my favorite Paris.”

“In that case, maybe you can help me download some of the holoprograms onto a separate device so the station techs don’t accidentally delete anything important when they start ripping through our ship,” Tom said with more than a little irritation lacing his voice.

The next few hours passed quickly. The three relived their favorite moments on Voyager as they packed away the various knicknacks collected over the years. Finally, everything was finished.

“Well, I need to be leaving. My first meeting is tomorrow afternoon so I’ll need to get an early start.” Chakotay said as he made his way towards the door.

“Tomorrow? Starfleet certainly doesn’t waste any time.” B’Elanna replied with surprise. She had definitely acclimated to the organization during their time in the Delta Quadrant; but, she still disliked the formality and orderliness which it seemed to embody.

He shrugged, “Perks of being the First Officer and the price we have to pay to get out of here in two weeks time.”

“I guess I can deal with that,” Tom said with a smile. “My mom’s been pestering me about coming to stay with them so she can meet the baby. We better make a plan for where to stay fast or we’ll be stuck in my parent’s house!”

As the door hissed behind Chakotay, Tom turned to his wife, “I give them until the end of the week until they’re a couple.”

B’Elanna rolled her eyes, “The Captain’s too much of a Fleeter to give up now… Give them until the end of the initial debriefings.”


	3. Chapter 3

Kathryn’s heart ached as she walked Tuvok to the transporter room. He’s immediate release to Vulcan had been easily granted, which she was grateful for; but she had always hoped to have his counsel when facing debriefings after their return. Chakotay would always be there for guidance; however, she had always hoped to have someone in the good graces of Starfleet for support. 

The Vulcan seemed to be lost in thought as they wandered through the corridors, even more so than usual. Kathryn regarded him quietly, watching the silent mental gymnastics her friend seemed to be performing. Finally, her curiosity got the better of her as they reached the door of the transporter room.

“Alright Tuvok, out with it. What are you thinking about?” she said, crossing her arms and mimicking his signature eyebrow raise to perfection.

He turned to her and she could almost hallucinate a look of concern flash across his face, “Captain… Kathryn, I have known you for many years and consider you a good friend.” 

“That’s very kind of you, Tuvok, but I doubt my friendship is what’s troubling you.” Kathryn said with a laugh.

“No, it is not,” he said with a nod. “As my friend, I want you to be happy, and I fear you will allow Starfleet to prevent you from being happy.”

Kathryn bristled, she knew what he was implying but was surprised he would mention it, even indirectly. “Why would Starfleet keep me from being happy?”

Tuvok raised an eyebrow, “Captain, it is unlike you to ‘play dumb’, as Lieutenant Paris would say.” He paused for a moment before continuing, “I have had the honor of working by your side for many years. I have seen first-hand your drive to follow Starfleet expectations to the letter of the law. Please, do not allow that drive to keep you from pursuing the thing, or person, that makes you happy.”

Giving his hand a gentle squeeze, she smiled. “You know as well as I, human emotions are a complicated thing, Tuvok. But I’ll think about what you’ve said. Now you’d best get going, we don’t want to keep them waiting.”

Kathryn walked to the transport controls, tear welling in her eyes as she logged in the coordinates of the waiting Vulcan cruiser. Tuvok stepped up onto the platform, turning to face her.

“He is a good man, Captain. Live long, and prosper,” with a raise of his hand in the traditional Vulcan gesture, he dissolved into a beam of blue light.

Tears ran unbidden down Kathryn’s cheeks as she took a steadying breath. Her first meeting was in less than an hour and the last thing she needed was to show up looking like an emotional wreck. Wiping her eyes, she decided to do one last walk through the Ready Room and her quarters before heading into the station. 

\--

Kathryn was entirely lost in thought as she walked the corridor back to the turbolift. Between mandatory counseling sessions, debriefings with practically every major department with Starfleet, and settling her crew back into life in the Alpha Quadrant, it seemed there were too many things to do, too few hours in the day, and certainly no time for her to feel sorry for herself. Trying to mentally organize when she could get everything done, Kathryn wasn’t paying attention to her surroundings. Turning the final corner to the turbolift, she collided with her first officer, knocking the padds he held to the floor.

“Chakotay!” she said startled. “I’m so sorry. I wasn’t paying attention.”

“It’s okay, Captain. I wasn’t either. Apparently, this debriefing schedule was more interesting than I realized,” he joked as they collected the scattered padds. He decided not to tell her that the schedule was interesting because most of their meetings had been assigned jointly. He assumed their meetings would all be separate; but Starfleet must have decided to streamline the process for the sake of time.

Kathryn groaned, “Please don’t mention scheduling right now. I’m still trying to figure out when I’ll have time to breathe with the schedule, they’ve given us. I’m glad it gets the crew back to their homes as fast as possible though.”

“Yes, I did notice our schedules seem to be quite… intense,” he said with a halfhearted laugh. “Speaking of which, our first meeting starts soon. If you haven’t deboarded yet, we could walk to it together?”

“ _Our_ first meeting?” Kathryn thought. When she checked the schedules earlier she hadn’t realized any of their meetings were together. At least the awkwardness from the first night back home seemed to have dissipated. And, Starfleet wasn’t likely to be extremely strict on protocol if they were running joint debriefings, which eased her mind after Tuvok’s departure.

“I’d love that, Commander. I just need to check that everything was transported over from my quarters and Ready Room. I’ll meet you at the air lock in a few minutes,” she said with a smile as she turned to leave. 

* * *

  
Kathryn found Chakotay waiting at the airlock doors a few minutes later. Any amount of confidence she felt since arriving home suddenly vanished at the prospect of officially leaving Voyager. Sensing her nerves, Chakotay held out his hand. She gave it a brief squeeze, letting his calm demeanor ground her. She straightened her uniform and hair one last time and then nodded at him to open the door.

The roar of conversation bouncing off the metallic walls of the central commons was overwhelming. The crew were laughing and catching up with friends posted to the station and generally enjoying their first moments back ‘home’. The pair glanced at each other and smiled, they hadn’t heard their crew this relaxed in months, maybe even years.

Kathryn felt the tension in her shoulders relax and the sound of her crew in such high spirits. Unfortunately, that tension returned at the opening hiss of the meeting doors. Sitting across from the door were three gray, hardened admirals and Captain Picard. The Command team took their seats and the meeting began.

“Captain Janeway and Provisional-Commander Chakotay, congratulations on your return,” Picard said with a smile.  
Kathryn noticed the Enterprise docked at the station when they arrived, she didn’t realize it had been for these meetings. “Thank you, Captain. I trust the committee received the reports sent over since our return?”

The Captain nodded, “Yes. I fear I’m a little behind the rest of this committee in terms of completing them; but I think I’ll manage. Today we just want to cover crew integration upon your arrival. Starfleet is always looking for new methods to improve crew morale and integration, especially in the aftermath of the Dominion war. They feel your methods might help people from the outer colony planets and Bajor feel more welcome should they choose to attend the Academy.”

“Of course. However, I fear I may not be the best person to ask about that. Mr. Neelix was in charge of crew moral soon after he and Kes joined us. As for crew integration,” she turned to the man beside her, “that was Mr. Chakotay’s department. When we first arrived, we were immediately and almost constantly under attack by the Kazon. I asked the Commander to assign his crew members to their appropriate stations and he helped smooth over any issues that arose.”

Picard gestured for Chakotay to elaborate and the pair spent the next several hours answering questions about crew management and first contact situations. Finally, they had satisfied all of the committee’s planned questions for the day and were sent off to their private psych-evals.

\--

Kathryn groaned to herself. The last thing she wanted to do was be analyzed by some shrink after spending the entire afternoon in debriefings. She understood why Starfleet was mandating it, it was standard protocol to complete them after any deep space mission, but all Kathryn wanted to do was go to bed.

“Commander Troi?” Kathryn asked as she opened the door. She knew of her from Enterprise reports from their initial deep-space missions, but the two had never met.

“Come in, Captain.” The Betazoid said, reaching out her hand with a smile, “And it’s Deanna, please. I’ve never been a fan of rank.”

Kathryn shook her hand before taking a seat, “I assumed the Enterprise crew was on shore leave while your captain is tied up in meetings.”

“Most of the crew is. I was assigned because the Enterprise staff is one of the few who know about the Q, though I don’t think we know quite as much about them as you do. Starfleet wanted to limit the number of people they had to inform about the Continuum, so here I am,” she said, gesturing to the office around her.

“I’m sorry to disappoint Starfleet, but I don’t think the Q will be a pressing topic of discussion,” Kathryn laughed. “To be honest, I think Q and his antics were some of the least stressful we dealt with. So how does this work? Do you just ask me about things that happened? Is this like a therapy session? I was never in deep space long enough to need an eval.”

“I have a feeling you’ll find this very boring, though I’m looking forward to hearing about your journey first-hand. If it’s alright with you, I’d like to start during your first year. I have the rough timeline of what happened during each year and I’m interested to hear your thought process behind staying in the Delta Quadrant and destroying the Array.” Deanna could instantly tell that the woman sitting in front of her was much like her own captain. If she was going to get a straight answer out of Kathryn Janeway then this couldn’t feel like an interrogation. Jean-Luc would never answer her direct questions, but if you let him talk, he would eventually get to the point himself.

Kathryn spent the next two hours describing the Ocompan, meeting Neelix, fighting the Kazon, and the multiple run-ins they had with the Vidiians. The two women were engrossed in a debate over the ethical implications of using the Sikarian transportation system when Kathryn’s combadge rang out.

“Chakotay to the Captain,” the Commander said.

She clicked the badge to answer, “Yes, Chakotay?”

Deanna studied her patient intently, an idea slowly coming more and more to light. As a half-Betazoid she couldn’t read minds but as a skilled empath she could easily read emotions, though she was certain it wouldn’t take an empath to read the emotions in front of her.

“Would it be safe to assume you didn’t have lunch or dinner? Don’t bother answering, Kathryn, I know you didn’t because I didn’t either.” he joked. “Come by my quarters in an hour and we can eat while we go over the talking points for tomorrow’s meeting?”

Kathryn rolled her eyes at his mothering and tried to ignore the fact he hadn’t used rank. “Alright, I’ll see you in an hour.”

Ending the comm, Kathryn noticed Deanna watching her with an amused look. “Yes, Counselor?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.

Deanna laughed, “Nothing, Captain. Nothing at all. Have a nice dinner.”

* * *

An hour later, Kathryn pressed the comm to Chakotay’s quarters. She couldn’t stop thinking about the look on Deanna Troi’s face when she heard their conversation earlier. It was like the counselor had learned a secret that not even Kathryn knew herself.

“I hope you’re hungry,” Chakotay said, pulling her out of her thoughts. “I fixed soup and salad and managed to find some actual wine from Earth.”

“That sounds wonderful. Why don’t we wait and work after we eat,” she gestured to the pile of padds on the table.

“Gladly!” he smiled, quickly clearing the table. “So, tell me about today. How was your session? I’m stuck with this young counselor who seems pretty starstruck to be working with the Voyager crew. He spent most of the time asking about different cultures we encountered. It felt like going through debriefings twice.”

Kathryn laughed at his exasperated sigh, “I’m meeting with Deanna Troi. I can see why Jean-Luc always spoke so highly of her. We talked about the other species we met, but it wasn’t the way yours’ sounds. She was more interested in what I thought of them or why I made the choices I made.” Chakotay looked up in surprise, he had expected the admirals to question Kathryn’s decisions, not a counselor. Reading his surprised reaction, Kathryn continued, “She wasn’t so much questioning the choices we made. I think she just wants to understand the thought process behind the choices. In fact, we were debating the long-term implications of using Sikarian transportation to get home when you commed.”

Chakotay nodded and the two sat quietly, thinking back on all the times they almost made it home only to have the chance ripped away. Over the years it seemed like fate had been tempting them. A new alien transport system? Incompatible with ship systems. Wormhole? Closed before they could go through. Even if it wasn’t a chance to go home, just a chance for peace and quiet, it seemed to be ruined. Just as they had adjusted to an idyllic life on New Earth they had been saved. Voyager had spent seven years facing danger at every turn. It was understandable Starfleet had wanted them all examined.

Finally, Kathryn broke the silence as her eyes as strayed to the viewport. “Chakotay, what were your happiest moments while out there? All everyone seems to want to talk about are the bad times. I’d much rather remember the good ones, now that we’re home.”

He studied her face for a moment, gauging how to respond. “I suppose,” he said cautiously, “it was the times the whole crew could be together and have fun, like in Sandrine’s or at one of Neelix’s parties. Times like those made me forget we might face a new enemy at the next planet we saw. It let all of us be ourselves. It was one of the few times we could all be together outside of rank.” 

“I think those were some of my favorite moments too.” eyes glistening, Kathryn smiled across the table before quickly changing the subject. “I wonder how Neelix is doing back there…”   
Kathryn’s heart ached with words she wished she could say. She wished she could take his hands and tell him that some of her favorite moments were the ones she spent with him. That there were times she would have sacrificed anything to escape the chaos around them, to go back to that quiet planet with a monkey and tomatoes. That the moments when she had been forced to push him aside, to hide her feelings, were some of the hardest she had been forced to endure.

But there was still Starfleet. It seemed there was always Starfleet.

Until they had heard the final pardon, until they walked out into the world without questions left unanswered, she had to keep him away.

He watched the battle of emotions play out on the face of the woman in front of him. To most people, she would have simply seemed to have been lost in thought, but to him she was an open book in that moment. He knew the conflict she felt, so he let her change the subject without question. 

“Probably cooking up some terrible leola root experiment. That’s definitely not something I’m going to miss. Who knew a plant could be so diverse and so inedible at the same time!” 

Kathryn’s laugh rang out and suddenly the tension was gone. They finished dinner and began pouring over padds the committee had sent them. When the win was gone and the words in front of them blurred from tiredness, Kathryn said goodbye. 

She rubbed her neck, aching from the hours bent in study, and noticed a message flashing at her console:

 _Hope dinner went well. Tomorrow let’s talk about tomatoes._  
- _Deanna_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally survived finals and am *almost* a grad so this should be more consistent now. I don't plan on making this super long so it should be done by 2021 (if I stick to being more consistent)!
> 
> Thanks again for all the kind words! They definitely keep me motivated to finish this.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey look at that, 2 chapters in less than a week!

That night Kathryn dreamed she was back in her garden on New Earth. She knew this day; it was the day Tuvok let them know about the cure. This time, however, it was Chakotay’s voice through the static, begging her to stay alive like he had on that desolate planet. Suddenly a plasma storm crashed overhead, shaking the temporary structure. Kathryn found herself surrounded in darkness, lost in the Void. She cried out for help but no one was near. She walked to door to look for her crew but was met with the vastness of open space. Off in the distance she could see Utopia Planitia yet, when they were almost there, she heard the collective voice of the Borg call out, hunting them down.

Kathryn jolted awake in a cold sweat. Heart racing in her chest, she tried to calm her breathing. Nightmares were nothing new to her, when you’ve faced as many monsters as she had they become normal. But something about tonight’s had struck closer to home. She checked the clock and decided to go ahead and get ready for the day. Maybe a shower and walk around the station would help clear her mind.

Admittedly, she did feel better after getting up and ready, but the memory of Chakotay’s pleading and the Borg threats still haunted her. Shaking her head, Kathryn tried to put it out of mind as she planned for her day. This morning she had another meeting with yesterday’s committee as well as a private meeting with Admiral Nechayev and Jean-Luc. As if that weren’t enough, she also had a second meeting with Deanna.

Kathryn’s mind traveled back to last night. Deanna Troi had historically shown how adept she was at reading people and their emotions. Some of that stemmed from her Betazoid empathic abilities, but whatever conclusion Deanna had come to yesterday wasn’t because of that. She had sent her that cryptic message last night when they weren’t even around each other. 

The message stuck in Kathryn’s head all day. Why did she want to talk about tomatoes? Did she know about the tomatoes and what they had meant on New Earth? If so, how did this woman already seemingly know so much about her from a single meeting. She had known Deanna Troi for less than four hours and she already seemed to know as much about Kathryn as Kathryn did herself.

The morning’s first meeting passed without any problem. Hours of surface-level questions on moral, efficiency, and support dragged on endlessly. In the end, Kathryn and Chakotay agreed to meet for dinner again to review battle decisions before their tactical meetings the next day. Finally, they were on their way to the one-on-one meetings.

Walking into her first private debriefings, Kathryn suddenly missed the monotony of the morning’s meeting. The Admiral Nechayev’s stony face was a stark contrast to the pleasant smile Jean-Luc shot her as she took her seat.

“Admiral, Captain Picard,” she nodded to both of them, “I hope you’re doing well.”

“Thank you, Captain. Now let’s get started. We don’t have much time to waste today.” The admiral said, her eyes never leaving the padd in front of her. The first hour was spent repeating answers she had already given jointly over the past two days and explaining her decision to destroy their only means home upon first arriving in the Delta Quadrant. Final, the question Kathryn knew was coming was asked.

“For the record, how would you describe the relationship between you and your crew?”

Kathryn started to speak but was caught off guard by the terseness of the question. Admiral Nechayev certainly hadn’t seemed like the warm and fuzzy type throughout the earlier meetings, but she seemed almost accusatory now. She cut her eyes to Picard, silently asking for clarification, but Jean-Luc seemed to have no control on today’s meeting. “I suppose it would be fair to say I have a closer relationship with my crew than many Starfleet captains. We were all stranded together for seven years, and it’s not as though I had many peers out there in deep space.”

“Over the past seven years there were some instances which the admiralty is concerned may have jaded your assessment of your crew. Specifically, a transwarp flight incident involving you and Lieutenant Paris and the period of three months during which time you and Commander Chakotay were stranded on a planet together. Did any relationship ever exist between you and your XO or your helmsman?” the woman asked.

“Tom Paris?!” Kathryn tried unsuccessfully to contain her laughter. “Tom is a very nice man but the ‘incident’ you’re referring to was unintentional and, to be honest, I have no memory of the events following my abduction by Lieutenant Paris. As for my first officer, Commander Chakotay has been a good friend and a wise counsel for the past seven years. Without him I sincerely doubt this ship and its crew would have ever made it back.”

“Captain do you expect us to believe your relationships with your crew maintained all expectations of decorum during the past seven years?” her tone of voice telling Kathryn the admiral clearly did not believe it to be true.

She stopped for a moment to collect her thoughts. Kathryn understood the admiral’s line of questioning. As a child she had heard the name Alynna Nechayev tossed about in her home. A first-generation fleeter, Nechayev had risen through the ranks at unprecedented rates and become one of the youngest admirals in Federation history. However, she had always been plagued with questions regarding her relationships with any male colleague she worked with. Even in the 24th century it seemed that Starfleet was still a ‘men’s club’ at times. 

“Admiral, while I understand the reasoning behind this line of questioning, I must admit I’m a bit offend at the implication I would allow personal feelings to interfere with professional reports or that I would conceal anything of importance from Starfleet. I was informed several weeks ago that, upon our return, the former Marquis members in my crew would not be forced into a hearing. Allowing them this freedom must be stressful for all of you, especially after the Dominion War. I understand that you have all relied heavily on my personal reports on crew behavior when coming to that conclusion. Please know I would not have carried on some secret affair without informing Starfleet and I most _certainly_ would not have allowed some hypothetical relationship to impact the reports I gave.” Checking her growing irritation, Kathryn quietly added, “Captaining this mixed crew for seven years had taught me more than any other captaincy could have. This crew is loyal to a fault and will not hesitate to fight for what they believe in, which led many of them to join the Marquis initially. I would think it helps that history seems to have favored their position based on what was learned in the aftermath of the war.”

“Well said, Captain,” Jean-Luc said with a smile. “I too have worked closely with former members of the Marquis and I must agree I’ve found them to be fiercely loyal to their beliefs. In fact, through a strange series of events a version Number One ended up fighting for the Marquis against the Cardassians.”

Kathryn cocked her head in confusion but decided not to press the matter. If anyone’s history at captain was filled with confusion, it was Jean-Luc Picard and the Enterprise.

“Admiral, I truly do understand the position the Federation is coming from here. You’ve provided a blanket pardon to my crew for past bad acts which we are all grateful for. I know you will not regret that decision and I hope you will trust me when I say that. Now you mentioned in our joint meeting this afternoon you had questions regarding ship security before and after the situation with Seska and the Kazon? If you don’t mind, I’d rather we move on to discuss that.”

Nechayev agreed and the three spent the remaining time in a lively discussion about the security and tactical measures she and Tuvok had taken to insure no one was able to repeat a ship take over, especially after the addition of the Equinox crew.

* * *

Kathryn walked into Deanna Troi’s office and immediately called for a coffee from the replicator.

“Well hello, Captain! How’s your day gone?” she asked cheerfully as Kathryn took a seat.

She sighed, “Fine I suppose, but the private meetings are grating on my nerves at the moment and it’s only the first day of them. I hope they aren’t all as testy as mine was today.”

Deanna nodded and listened to Kathryn’s rant about all of the questions they had asked her and her irritation with the implications. “Tell me about Quarra,” Deanna suddenly interrupted.

“Excuse me? Quarra?” she asked confused. A planet where she had been brainwashed and moved in with a total stranger was really _not_ high on her priority of things to discuss today.

Thinking quickly, she decided the safest option was to deflect the question with wit. “I thought you wanted to talk about tomatoes? I was looking forward to sharing the tips I picked up for growing Talaxian tomatoes.”

“Very funny. Maybe you should peruse comedy now that you’re back,” the counselor replied dryly. “Yes, I want to talk about Quarra. Memory loss can be very traumatic on the psyche and considering all the things you faced I’d like to assess that impact.”

Kathryn rolled her eyes. Troi was either a genius or off her rocker. Quarra had nothing to do with today’s debriefing or even what the counselor had wanted to discuss last night, so why was it so important now.

“Alright… Quarra was, well, one of our more difficult events. When it was actually happening, it wasn’t traumatic because none of us realized it. Back on Voyager… back on Voyager was a different story. What we thought we had on that planet wasn’t real, we all knew that. But having to go back to travel the galaxy facing danger left and right wasn’t immediately appealing either.” She thought back to those first days and weeks after coming back. How raw everything had been, as though seven years of memories and emotions had struck her all at once.

Deanna studied her intently, as if she were reading Kathryn’s mind. “Commander Chakotay’s report states you were living with a man at the time he found you. Was anyone able to help you cope with any stress from dealing with anything that happened between you and, uh, Jaffen?”

“Nothing happened between us,” Kathryn bristled.

“Why not?”

It was an innocent question, but Kathryn knew there was something else to it. She had asked it herself many times since their return. She had moved in with this man. The brainwashed version of her clearly trusted this man. Why hadn’t she let their relationship progress? When she first was rescued, she explained it away with the busyness of her life. However, as her feelings for Chakotay resurfaced from the vault she had locked them away in, she began to think there may have been something else to it.

“I don’t know. I’ve thought about it but I just don’t know,” she lied.

“Alright then, what about when the Hirogen took over your ship?”

Sighing, Kathryn rubbed her face. “What do the Hirogen have to do with what happened on Quarra? What does any of this have to do with what you wanted to talk about yesterday?”

Deanna ignored the question. “Did you read the Hirogen reports on the crew’s behaviors when brainwashed?” At Kathryn’s confused look, she explained. “They were very diligent in cataloguing crew interactions while in control of Voyager. Five of those reports were flagged for review in both your and Commander Chakotay’s debriefings. Apparently, the Hirogen were concerned you would manage to overthrow them even without your memories because the various versions of you and the Commander worked so well together.”

A mixture of amusement and irritation crept over the captain’s face. “Deanna, are you implying that Starfleet, or at least Nechayev, is concerned about my relationship with my first officer because of a few alien reports and the fact I trusted him when he saved me from Quarra?”

“No, Captain. Based on what you told me yesterday and the reports I’ve read, I’m saying _I_ think you avoided any relationships while in command no matter how logical or reasonable they seem from the outside. And I intend to find out why.”

Kathryn scoffed and shook her head. This was absolutely pointless. Wasn’t the purpose of these sessions to make sure she wasn’t suffering from crippling PTSD? Why was Deanna Troi so fixated on her personal life or lack-there-of?

Deanna raised an eyebrow, the perfect mirror of Tuvok. “Captain, I understand this seems unimportant in the grand scheme of things you faced over the past seven years, but my job is to identify all effects this long stint of travel had on all members of the crew.” She stopped for a moment, collecting her thoughts. “Kathryn, this is unprecedented for any captain, but this was your _first_ major command. You were given a brand-new ship, a young crew, and sent off to catch a criminal. You spent seven years following protocol to the letter and look what happened, you got home in a tenth of the you should have. No one expected this to happen and no one expected your first command to be perfect. Could you have done some things better? Of course, but so could every single one of us on any given day. The point is, you kept your crew alive and healthy and, from all reports, made them better people in the process.”

Damn empaths and their ability to read your mood so well! Tears welled in Kathryn’s eyes. Her mother had made a similar point in one of her recent letters. “ _All the greats have had momentous starts. James Kirk had early deep-space discoveries. Kathryn Janeway has the entirety of the Delta Quadrant_. _Space is big and bright, my dear girl, but your future is even brighter._ ” her mother had said. The comparison to Kirk had made her laugh at the time; but now, after having faced an older version of herself, the truth to that line had begun to weigh her down. Something in the older version of herself had shocked her. The admiral version of her was so unlike the woman she saw herself as, but so similar at the same time. Maybe that’s way she hadn’t run into Chakotay’s waiting arm their first night back. Maybe that’s why she kept making excuses. Maybe that’s why she kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, for something to go wrong.

Shaking herself from her thoughts, Kathryn wiped her eyes. “Oh, I need to be going I didn’t realize the time! We never did get around to what you wanted to talk about.”

“We did, don’t worry. You just didn’t realize it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm basing ages on episode dialogue and Memory Alpha which puts Kathryn's birthday between 2338-2342ish. They never state whether Janeway had captained other ships but based on the dates it would have been unlikely so that's what I went with.


	5. Chapter 5

“She said what?!” Kathryn screeched in laughter. “Seven would never!”

Chakotay shook his head with a smile, “She did! I wish I’d seen the look on his face when she told him he should try being assimilated before critiquing her methods of handling issues related to the Borg. Apparently Seven didn’t like the implication that she should be an emotionless robot when dealing with the species that stole her family and assimilated her. It probably didn’t help when he told his assistant that she was only a useful asset because of her Borg knowledge. I guess he didn’t realize part of that ‘Borg knowledge’ is a heightened hearing ability.”

“I think we have you to thank for this new and improved Seven, congratulations. Starfleet certainly doesn’t seem to know what to make of all of the strong-willed women we had running the ship. B’Elanna apparently told the head of the engineering crew stationed on the ship that she could make the needed repairs faster in the Delta Quadrant with no supplies for lightyears than they were in spacedock with all the resources in the quadrant at their fingertips. Of course, I would _never_ cause any trouble like that,” she added with a teasing twinkle in her eye.

“Oh of course, Kathryn Janeway has never been hard-headed about anything! How many times did you insist on going on dangerous away missions after Tuvok and I said you shouldn’t?” he teased back.

“Hard-headed?” she challenged. “I prefer to think of myself as ‘strong willed’ thank you very much.”

Chakotay rolled his eyes, “You’re only strong-willed as long as you’re right. As soon as one of us has to come along and rescue you from hostile aliens or a deserted planet you become hard-headed.”

“Come on now. You only had to rescue me a few times. In fact, I’m pretty sure I spend more time saving you!” Taking a sip of wine, she eyed him innocently over the rim of the glass, “Besides I had to keep your life interesting somehow.”

He laughed, “Yes, life in the Delta Quadrant was too boring facing hostile new species every few lightyears. I definitely needed you to keep me on my toes. Speaking of hostile species, we should probably look over those reports before it gets too late.”

Kathryn sank into the couch with a sigh. The stress of the day had faded into the background after dinner but she had no desire to tackle to mountain of padds looming in front of her. “Alright, but, only if you take the reports about the Hirogen and Quarra. I’ve heard about them enough for one day already.”

Chakotay shot her a questioning look but didn’t press the subject. She had already aptly deflected any questions about her private meeting today. Whatever they had discussed, she clearly wasn’t in the mood to talk about it.

“I think can manage that, but only if you take the Vidiian reports,” he joked, handing her the padd.

Two cups of coffee and a few hours later, the pair set aside their final padds.

Kathryn yawned, “Why does it seem like we got more sleep back in the Delta Quadrant? I swear, I think I slept more during our time through Borg space than I have in the days since we came home.”

“I know what you mean,” Chakotay admitted as he stood and recycled their mugs. “Today one of the admirals asked me how I was enjoying the peace and quiet of being home and I just about told him some of species we encountered were less stress-inducing than these committees have been. For some reason, I don’t think he would have taken that very well.”

“No, I don’t think he would.” Suddenly, they found themselves at a loss of words. The silence hung heavy in the air as Kathryn stood to leave. “Speaking of peace and quiet, I should be going. We could use at least a little sleep tonight. Goodnight, Chakotay.”

Wandering down the halls back to her quarters, Kathryn found Seven staring out one of the viewports facing Earth.

Seven cast a glance of the captain’s shoulder seeing she had just left the commander’s quarters. “I do not need to regenerate and this part of the station is quiet. I wished to think so I came here.”

“Is something bothering you?” the captain asked.

“Not exactly,” she replied. “Starfleet seems to be quite set on adding me to a team organized to streamline de-assimilation of rescued Borg. However, I do not know if I wish to do so.”

Kathryn patted Seven’s arm comfortingly. “That’s understandable, Seven. I’m sure you could do great work on a team like that but you should pursue something that makes you happy. You shouldn’t be relegated to Borg-related topics just because of your past.”

Seven thanked her, her mind still turning over the options given to her, and said her goodbyes. Kathryn continued to her room and promptly collapsed into her bed, exhausted.

* * *

Harry smiled when he spotted Tom sitting down to lunch across the busy common area. Hurrying over, he slid into the seat next to the pilot, “Please tell me you have some juicy gossip or something to tell me today! If I have to think about one more red alert situation, I’ll be the _cause_ of a red alert.”

“Hello to you too, Harry. Yes, I’m doing fine thanks for asking. Of course, the baby is doing great.” he replied sarcastically,

“Come on, Tom!” Harry rolled his eyes, “I’m losing my mind in these debriefings. I thought life out there was bad, but sitting around answering mindless questions is much, much worse.”

Taking pity on his friend, Tom leaned in conspiratorially, “If I tell you, you have to swear this doesn’t leave this table.”

Harry nodded, eager for gossip to distract him. 

“I think it’s time we restart our betting pool.” Noting his companion’s silence, he continued. “Seven of Nine just told me she saw the Captain leaving Chakotay quarters late last night.”

Harry sighed. He had hoped this would legitimate gossip, or at least interesting. Everyone in the crew knew the rumors about what was actually going on between the command team. 

“Okay yeah whatever,” he huffed. “I thought you actually had good gossip.”

“Have some patience, I’m getting to it.” Tom retorted. “Look, I’m not supposed to tell you this; but the night we got to the station, the Commander so much as told me and B’Elanna that he’s in love with Janeway. I’m not saying anything is going on, I just think this might turn out to be a lucrative betting pool.”

Harry laughed, “The Captain would have us court-martialed if she found out. No thanks, Tom. Besides, I thought the Commander and Seven were… well you know what I mean. It’s not like they were particularly subtle on the Bridge when we got through the Hub.”

“I know what you mean, but apparently not. I don’t quite understand all of it but somehow the Admiral was involved. To be honest, time travel makes my head hurt so I’m trying not to think about it.” 

The two men quieted when they saw Seven approaching their table. Waving her over, they quickly changed the subject.

“Hey, Seven! I was just about to ask Harry what his plans are once all this is over,” Tom said as she took a seat.

Shooting him a deadpan look, she shook her head. “Lieutenant Paris, surely you do not expect me to believe that. If you wish to continue your gossip, please do. It will be a useful lesson in my socialization skills.”

The two glanced at each other then Harry spoke up, “Oh alright. Tom is convinced something is going on between the Captain and Chakotay. Not only is that an old rumor, but he doesn’t even have anything new to back it up.” 

Seven studied the men in front of her, trying to hide a smile behind a practiced stoic persona. Noticing the look, Harry pressed her.

“Seven? What’s so funny?” he asked.

“Theoretically, I should withhold this information until I have more evidence; but, given the current nature of your conversation I suppose it will not matter. Late last night, I saw the Captain leaving the Commander’s quarters.” she said, her voice dropping to almost a whisper.

Tom considered the information for a moment then shook his head. “That’s interesting, sure; but they had dinners together on Voyager too. Let’s just keep an eye out. If we notice anything different between them _then_ we can jump to conclusions.”

* * *

Days passed and Kathryn felt like her life was on a constant loop: joint meetings, private meetings, psych analysis, dinner and work with Chakotay, repeat. It wasn’t that she particularly minded the monotony. It was nice to not worry about someone shooting at you during all hours of the day. Even so, by the end of the first week she felt on edge and desperate for some way to let off some steam.

Her stress must have been radiating off of her because the moment she walked in the room, Deanna handed her a coffee and indicated towards the door. “Let’s take a walk.”

The two women had spent the past few dash rehashing crisis situations and Kathryn’s guilt over how she should have handled things. Today, however, Deanna had decided to move on to something new.

“You’re stressed,” the counselor stated matter-of-factly. “What did you do to decompress on Voyager?”

Kathryn laughed sarcastically, “Decompress? There wasn’t much time for it. Early on there was a holonovel I ran, but I lost interest in it pretty quickly. Tom Paris wrote some… unique ones as well during out travels but most of them weren’t to my tastes. Then of course there was always parisses squares with B’Elanna or Chakotay.” She paused for a moment at smiled, “Neelix’s crazy excuses for parties or crew celebrations were my favorite. It was one of the few times I could relax a little with the whole crew.”

“And now?”

“Well there hasn’t really been time. I go between meetings all morning and afternoon, review reports and sign off on crew assessments during lunch, and then incident reports at night in prep for the meetings the next morning.” She shook her head and added ruefully, “I never thought I would get tired of the normalcy around us when we got back. These meetings are making me wish some hostile aliens would show up just to shake things up.”

Deanna nodded, “I’m not surprised. You’ve been at red alert for so long this seems so safe it can’t be real. That was fairly common during early deep space missions too. The crew has been given tomorrow off, what were you planning on doing?”

“I hadn’t thought much about it,” she admitted. “I still need to approve some final crew evaluations and I’ve hardly started on my final mission report for the records…”

“Stop.” Deanna said, abruptly cutting off her train of thought. “You need a break, Kathryn. You have tomorrow off. Do something relaxing. Play parisses squares, read a book, run a holonovel. Anything that isn’t work. That’s an order.”

Raising an eyebrow, Kathryn tried to think of an excuse but came up with nothing. Sighing, she gave in. “Alright. You might be right. I’m too tightly wound. It’s probably a good idea to take some time off and comm my family, get things organized for next week when we’re released.”

“Good. Now I’d suggest you take the next 36 hours off starting now. I’ll see you on Monday.” Deanna waved goodbye and vanished into the hustle of the crowds of the station.

Kathryn smiled to herself and started planning her day off. Maybe taking some down time wouldn’t be such a bad idea after all.

**Author's Note:**

> Check out a one-shot I wrote that kind of accompanies this! It's called What Happens When We Remember and it has a little bit of a different vibe than this story but gives more context.


End file.
